If this is "sushi grade", then what was i using before?... uh oh...

I always had a feeling that you can't make sushi out of the regular fish you buy just from the grocer. I just learned from good ol' Christine Cushing that there's such a thing as "sushi grade" fish. It all has to do with how long the fish has been out of the water. Sushi grade just means that the fish is ultra fresh, which means less bacteria... and I learned something today.

And i found the rest of what Brian Griffin says about the days of decency... just for fun, here it is:

Brian: "Where's the line anymore? Well I got news for you... it..it's...it's not even on the RADAR screen! The days of decency and virtue are GONE, honey! BAM! Freakin' evaporated like a dingy... stinkin' mud-puddle. One day y...you... you see... you see your reflection in it and the next day it's uh...It's a.... it's a damn OIL spot on your cracked drive way, staring back at you, mocking you, "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH," knowing the perverted truths that rot in the pit of your soul. THAT's how my freakin' day was..."

[awkward silence...]

Peter: "You know what i haven't had in a while? Big League Chew."

Ahh... i can't wait til May 1st.

So ya, about that individuality thing. A friend pointed out to me that i might have over compensated with this whole "being my own person" kind of thing. To some extent, i can see where he's coming from. You don't want to live for yourself, cause that's bad, selfish, and ungodly. If you think too much about making decisions for yourself, you might end up neglecting other people, good advice, or even worse, God. I was reflecting on what i said earlier and where it came from. I was tired of being a push-over... tired of other people dictating what i should do and i felt like i had lost control over my life. At one time, i wanted to give up and give in to making other people happy at the expense of my own happiness. It was rough and I felt as though my feelings didn't matter to anyone, as long as people got what they wanted. But i knew that was wrong. People did - and still do - care.

In an effort to save myself from a life of wallowing in my own self-pity, i made a drastic change. I started living my life for myself. I still listened to others, but i was selective in what i actually took in - ultimately i did what I wanted to do. Slowly, i began to take matters into my own hands, forgetting who I was supposed to be living for, God. It wasn't until a few hours ago that i realized this.

For a year and a half now, i had fooled myself into thinking that this was the right way to go, that a life of authenticity meant that i had to be assertive, rather than non-assertive. When i turned my life around, every so often i would look back at who i used to be and look down on myself. I hated being a push-over. I outright hated it with a passion and did everything in my power to change it. But little did i know, no matter how much i wanted to change, on the inside i will always be a quiet, non-assertive, gentle person.

It's hard for me, or anyone for that matter, to imagine how a person of this type could succeed in life. The picture of success and leadership has always been painted with colours like drive, ambition, and assertiveness. Not sensitivity, gentleness, passiveness, and servitdude. I don't know if that's entirely true anymore. This is how God made me. God made me this way for a purpose and I know He has plans for me, plans to use me the way He designed me to be used.

Maybe i'm not meant to be a cut-throat capitalist, a shrewd busisnessman, or even be in the spotlight of anything. But i know this: that God made people different for a reason and there's a reason why I am this way, just like there is a reason why some people can be totally abrasive. :p

So in a round about way, i've come to realize the truth behind what I said a couple of days ago, even though it's not what i had in mind when i wrote it.

But i think it's always important to not completely ignore who you really are. If you keep trying to be someone who you're not, eventually you end up with no personality at all.
(see April 14 post)

One more thing to add... it may not be the case that you end up with no personality at all. I think it's probably more likely that the harder you try to be someone else, the further you get from being who God wants you to be - yourself.